First Week

I've officially made it three whole days as a 1st grade teacher-my first week of many. I've had a lot of people ask me how it was. I could lie and cover up how I'm feeling but I would rather tell you the truth-here it is raw and real:

Honestly, it was the hardest week of my life. It was a rollercoaster of emotions as I sorted through how I was feeling day by day. I questioned my career choice and seriously started thinking of what I should do after this year. Maybe I was getting a little ahead of myself, but that's how I honestly felt. I cried a lot. I wished I could somehow get out of my contract. I DREADED going to school on the second day. I googled "experiences of first year teachers" to see if anyone else felt the same way. The results: every new teacher. I thought to myself "How can something I've wanted to do for 18 years turn out like this?" 

A chart from a first year teacher study. This is completely accurate and spot on.

Don't get me wrong, I came into this career knowing it was not going to be easy. It's been overwhelming, exhausting, and stressful. I honestly feel clueless and lost. There is so much to learn that you are not taught in college. Everything is new-building layout, students, staff, rules/expectations, curriculum, and everything else. It's a learn on the job type of thing while being in charge of little humans. I'm trying to teach them how to sit at the carpet, manners, academics, and other routines/expectations. When you feel like you have no control, it's hard to be in control of other people.

"I'm so thankful that my identity does not come from teaching, but comes from Christ. If I found my identity in teaching, it would be messy".

 The good thing? I'm not alone. I have an amazing mentor teacher, staff, and principal to help me out. I'm not afraid to ask for help or questions, and I've definitely asked a lot! I know I do not know everything. Heck, I feel like I know nothing ;) 

I'm so thankful that my identity does not come from teaching, but comes from Christ. If I found my identity in teaching, it would be messy. Don't get me wrong, there have been times in life where I have tried to find my identity in other things such as school and teaching, but they've failed me and continue to fail me (unlike God). I know that God has given me a heart for children and teaching. I know God is good through all of this. And in this season of life, this is where He has me. It may change 2, 10, or 20 years down the road. But I trust in His unfailing promise. His goodness. His sovereignty.

That was my first week. I know every week won't be like that but it was quite the rollercoaster. No matter what, my students will show up, they will learn, and they will be loved.

With Blessings,

Miss Brasel (my "new" name) ;)

It Will Be Okay {Post-Diploma Reflections}

As I waited for my last semester of college I was feeling excited and looking forward to the future. My whole life was in front of me. Finally, I would be able to pursue my dreams of becoming a teacher. I had submitted applications for five different school districts around the area. Then something changed. Graduation got closer. Still didn’t have a job. Then I graduated. Still no job. I didn’t realize how emotional it would be to apply for and wait to hear back from school districts. It’s been a process full of hope, disappointment, and questions. It’s hard not to compare yourself, question your abilities, and wonder why. Teaching has been my dream since the young age of five. It’s so close to becoming a reality. Although I haven’t heard back from all the districts yet, it’s hard not to feel scared. I’m trusting that the Lord will continue to guide me, open up doors, and close doors as well. I know He has a plan greater than mine-and that is hard to admit at times.

I’ve been an emotional roller coaster as I recently graduated college and waited for interviews. It was great to finally know that all my hard work paid off-every paper, lesson plan, and minute spent in the library. But with the end also comes a new beginning. I’ve been looking forward to being done, but I also realize I’m losing a big part of community. College is so consuming in every area of your life that it becomes you.

Honestly, the transition has been harder than I expected. I thought I was ready for this and I’m not. I am faced with a new stage of life and didn’t realize how hard it would be to make these huge decisions. I’ve had days where I have felt very down and sad while I’ve also had days where I have been very happy and content. It’s a constant battle every day. I’ve been surrounding myself with Scripture to remind myself of God’s provision for my life. My screensaver for my phone is Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God to those who are called according to His purpose”.  I’m clinging on to God during this time. I’m taking every moment to pray, read the Bible, and focus on the Lord.

I’m still waiting to hear back from a few school districts, but a part of me is questioning if the Lord is leading me to somewhere outside of West Fargo/Fargo-Moorhead or even a new career. I’m scared to move somewhere new by myself. I’ve been praying for direction and wisdom in what to do. I have been crying out to the Lord, asking for prayers, and being vulnerable with others. I didn’t realize how I was feeling until I went to Missional Community last week. When we broke up into small groups to pray, the question asked was: “How is life going?” I started answering and then became a puddle of tears. I did not realize how I was truly feeling until it came out and I shared it with someone. Through a lot of prayer, I have continued to broaden my search outside of the Fargo-Moorhead area. It’s not up for me to decide where I get a job. I’m not in control. I do not have to feel the pressure of finding a job because GOD IS IN CONTROL. My flesh constantly needs to be reminded of this because I try to depend on myself.

So how am I feeling at this point? I’m feeling a little better-still processing my feelings. I know I do not have to worry. My identity does not come from my career. Heck, maybe I won’t even become a teacher. Whatever may happen, I know that it is for my good. God is faithful and will continue to guide my every step. He is the God that goes before me and behind me. He has a plan much better than this super organized/planner girl. Right now, this is an area of complete surrender. And I know it will be okay.