Throughout the past couple of weeks, I have had a lot of "what-ifs".
So what exactly is a "what-if"?
A "what-if" is something that we worry about. What if if I can't come up with the money? What if I can't make rent? What if my car doesn't make it? Etc, etc, etc..
It can be something we are anticipating, worrying about, or just thinking about. But one thing for sure-it can test our faith in the Lord.
Because I am a HUGE planner, I struggle with not knowing what's going on at times. This is something I have worked on over the past year, and I am STILL working on it. It's definitely a work in progress but at times I still fail. Lucky for me though, God NEVER fails.
As I checked my school email tonight (as I do every night), I received an email stating my financial aid award letter was ready to be accessed. So I logged on to e-services, opened my letter, and looked at the screen.
Not exactly what I was hoping for.
Turns out I have to cover a lot more than I expected. Although I am working a lot, I was planning on putting that money away for something else, but I know the Lord will provide. He has NEVER failed me, not once, and I know He never will. So I began my drive back home and was listening to a CD of worship songs. The song "Your Love Never Fails" came on and I thought it was perfect. The lyrics described my feelings. I love those "God moments".
Another "what-if" I have been facing is about my car. For those of you who have had the privilege of riding in my car (Ha, who am I kidding!?), it pretty much sounds like it is going to die or explode-you choose which one comes first. The tires have to be filled up every three days because they are so bad, my gas mileage is horrible, no A/C, and a bunch of other little things are wrong. Not knowing when my car is going to die on me worries me a lot. I don't know if it's going to make it throughout the school year. And if it doesn't, what's my Plan B? I am a commuter. I live 15 minutes away from my school. Not having that control over something I heavily depend on does not help my situation at all.
But I am still thankful for my car.
As I was sitting on my balcony tonight, I opened my Bible to 1 Corinthians. I have been reading through this book for about 2 weeks now and have been amazed at what the Lord has taught me. As I was reading through Chapter 4, one of the last verses really hit home.
For the kingdom of God does not consist in talk but in power.
1 Corinthians 4:20
Wow. Talk about a huge conviction. When I read this verse, it reminded me of God's power and how it is not just promised, but shown in so many ways throughout our lives. The Bible is full of so many promises and they are not just talk. God isn't going to promise us one thing and then bail on us.
He is the God of the universe. Our Creator. Father. And He knows us better than we know ourselves.
So with all these "what-ifs" in my life I must remember who I put my trust in. A God who is faithful, unfailing, and all knowing-that's better than anything in this life.
As I tried laying down tonight, my head was buzzing with thoughts. Lately I have been in the school mode-it makes me excited to see all the school supplies out and getting everything ready for the semester. But preparing for school has also made me think a lot about this past year and where I am.
Last summer all I could think about was going to Northwestern. I could not really describe my excitement. Anyone who knows me knew how much I truly wanted to go to NWC and it was finally going to happen. Because I worked at camp, I was able to talk to a bunch of people about college-I talked about fears, dreams, expectations, and asked for a lot of advice.
The feeling of knowing something great was going to happen was instilled in me all summer. I knew God was going to change me, shape me, stretch me, bend me, etc, but it was going to bring me closer to Him.
Since I am no longer a freshmen, I kind of miss that excitement. You honestly don't know what college is like until you experience it, and I feel like the summer prior to college is full of expectations and excitement. Once you go to college, you realize what it's like. Some things are just how you imagined, others are not. But it's college.
Throughout the semester I have struggled. I've missed NWC so much but I have felt content at the same time. It's been the toughest thing to do, yet I have seen and experienced God's blessings within my life. This is where God wants me and He has made it clear, but it is still hard to accept. I would give anything just to go back to NWC in August. See all my friends. Eat in the Billy. Move back into the dorms. But I know I can't.
Why?
Because God led me to MSUM.
I still don't know why, but I am trusting in His timing and promise from Romans 8:28.
And we know that for those who love God
all things work together for good,
for those who are called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28
With the school year just around the corner, I want that repeat of last year. I want to feel that excitement and return to NWC. I miss everything about it, and I still want to go back. But I can't. It's a hard place to be because I want to be content in God's plans, but the selfish part of me wants what I desire-not God's desires. It's difficult to follow the Lord and what He has planned and it's mostly because I am not the one in charge. By the end of Spring Semester, I was loving MSUM and everything about where I was but now I feel like I did before. I guess I didn't realize how hard it would be to start school again without going back to NWC.
Life is going to be full of these moments-moments where we feel like everything is falling apart. But in reality, it is God working. Our hearts desires will differ from God's, but in the end, His way will prevail and it's for OUR good. I want that mind that is set on the ways of the Lord but often find myself desiring different things. It's just one of those things that we, as followers of Christ, try to cling to. Instead we must cling to Christ because He is our only hope, foundation, and purpose in this life.
Lord, It's so hard to desire your ways, especially when my heart is set on something else. I admit I do not always realize Your beauty in every situation, which makes it less appealing to my eyes. Help me to remember the promise and how You will always have a plan for me. Give me a desire for You.
It's easy to praise the Lord and bless His name when things are going well, but when things go wrong-well that's another story. Lately God has been teaching me a lot about His blessings and how to be thankful. Over the past couple of months I've struggled with this at times, but the Lord has used it to teach me so much.
There is a song called 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord) by Matt Redman that has been my heart's cry over the past few months. The song was taken directly from Psalm 103, especially verses 1-5. I love worshiping the Lord through this song and how He has used it in my life.
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all who are oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
his acts to the people of Israel.
The LORD is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass;
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
and its place knows it no more.
But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
and his righteousness to children's children,
to those who keep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments.
The LORD has established his throne in the heavens,
and his kingdom rules over all.
Bless the LORD, O you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his word,
obeying the voice of his word!
Bless the LORD, all his hosts,
his ministers, who do his will!
Bless the LORD, all his works,
in all places of his dominion.
Bless the LORD, O my soul!
(Psalm 103 ESV)
I love this Scripture. The goodness of God just shines through every verse, telling about what He has done. In verse 10 it says "He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our inequities". We don't deserve even an ounce of grace yet the Lord gives us more than we can even imagine. That fact blows my mind. We are not treated like sinners, rather like Children of God.
Bless the Lord, O my soul!
This should be my response to everything that happens to me. Doesn't matter if it's good or bad, the Lord deserves praise. Even when the evening comes, we must praise His name. But that's easier said than done. I struggle so much with this. Sure when things are going well I am all "God is great!" but when things aren't going as planned, that's not the first thing I want to say or even think. With everything that has happened to me over this year, I have learned and am still learning how to bless the Lord in each and every situation.
"But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, and His righteousness to children's children, to those who keep His covenant and remember to do His commandments" (Verses 17-18)
God's love does not just end. It has NO end. And we have received this undeserving love through the blood of Jesus. That gives us way more than 10,000 reasons to bless the Lord! Just think of all the ways God has blessed you. You can't count them. But you can praise Him for everything He has given you.
Here are the lyrics for 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord). I pray that this song can be your heart's cry to the Lord.
[Chorus] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name
The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning It's time to sing Your song again Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me Let me be singing when the evening comes
[Chorus] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name
You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger Your name is great, and Your heart is kind For all Your goodness I will keep on singing Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find
[Chorus] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name
And on that day when my strength is failing The end draws near and my time has come Still my soul will sing Your praise unending Ten thousand years and then forevermore
[Chorus x2] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name Lord, I'll worship Your holy name
Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name I'll worship Your holy name
We have the opportunity to bless the Lord and praise HIS name! We have freedom to worship our King. Take every moment as an act of worship, remember all that He has blessed you with, is blessing you with, and ways He will bless you as His plan for you unfolds.
Lately, the Lord has been teaching me a lot. Especially this past week. This week has found me feeling exhausted, unhopeful, sad, but most importantly-thankful. God has really reminded me to be thankful through everything that's happened to me this week, but it wasn't easy.
Sometimes the little things in life chip away at us, and it was definitely true this week:
-My car broke down again and I had to walk home from work that day (in uncomfortable dress shoes) -My Grandma Brasel's funeral was this week and I was taking everything pretty hard -My neighbors borrowed me their extra car and it ended up breaking down on me the same day mine did
Having all three of these events occur in one day was not fun. I admit, I had a bad attitude about everything. As I was walking home from work that morning (after my car broke down), I had a chat with God. I was upset and unthankful, but He quickly reminded me of everything that is going well in my life and how all these little things were nothing. These are earthly things. They don't even matter.
By the end of Wednesday, I was really ready for bed. After having one of the longest days of my life, all I wanted to do was curl up in my blankets. I couldn't really sleep right away though. As I laid in bed, I thought of God's purpose behind everything that happened. Parts of me wanted to question God, but He's got it. I always go back to the verse Romans 8:28:
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28 ESV)
This verse has become more relevant in my life through college. I've always liked this verse, but it wasn't until this past year that this verse became a rock for me. When nothing else seemed like it was working out, I meditated on this piece of Scripture. OUR good. It amazes me how God works everything for our good-He cares about us so much.
These "bad days" we may have will chip away at us. Plus, there will definitely be many more. But if we remember to be thankful for the good things in life, we will be much more optimistic. All it takes is a reality check from God.
Last month I went to the Casting Crowns/Matthew West concert. It was a great night of worship. Casting Crowns sang a song called "Jesus, Friend of Sinners". I am not a huge fan of CC, but this song caught my attention. The lyrics are so convicting and true in each of our lives:
Jesus Friend of sinners we have strayed so far away
We cut down people in your name but the sword was never ours to swingJ
Jesus friend of sinners the truth's become so hard to see
The world is on their way to You but they're tripping over me
Always looking around but never looking up I'm so double minded
A plank eyed saint with dirty hands and a heart divided
Oh Jesus friend of sinners
Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus friend of sinners break our hearts for what breaks yours
Yeah...
Jesus friend of sinners the one who's writing in the sand
Make the righteous turn away and the stones fall from their hands
Help us to remember we are all the least of these
Let the memory of Your mercy bring your people to their knees
No one knows what we're for only against when we judge the wounded
What if we put down our signs crossed over the lines and loved like You did
Oh Jesus friend of sinners
Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus friend of sinners break our hearts for what breaks yours
You love every lost cause; you reach for the outcast
For the leper and the lame; they're the reason that You came
Lord I was that lost cause and I was the outcast
But you died for sinners just like me a grateful leper at Your feet
'Cause You are good, You are good And Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
Oh Jesus friend of sinners
Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus friend of sinners break our hearts for what breaks Yours
And I was the lost cause and I was the outcast
Yeah...
You died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet
The first couple of lines Mark Hall sings convicted me right away: " We cut down people in Your name but the sword was never ours to swing". I do that. I judge people, I criticize others, I see myself better than others, but that's not my job. My job is to love like Jesus. He didn't hang out with people who were perfect; he was often around "the least of these". He didn't judge-He loved. Just think, as Christians, if we all loved others instead of judging them, how much better would the world be?
So much better.
I am so guilty of doing this. I look at other Christians and criticize their lifestyle choices and question their relationship with God, but that is not my job. We look around but don't look up. If only we could remind ourselves all the time of our job as Christians. WE are the least of these. We are not any better than anyone else. Jesus died on the cross for us. Just because we are saved doesn't mean we get to judge others. We are not in that authority and God will do that someday. Without Jesus' death of cross, we would not be forgiven. But thankfully we are. So why do I judge others so quickly when I am in the same boat? I am still sinful. But my sins have been forgiven.
It's so easy to judge. So easy to hold grudges. So easy to hate. But we have seen the power of love-selfless love.
Lord,
You are so good to us even though we do not always share your love. We judge and hurt others, often pushing them away from You. Help us to keep our minds and hearts set on You and how You love. Teach us to love unconditionally. Humble our hearts to help us remember where we would be without You. We are the least of these. May we be quick to love our neighbors and slow to judge. Give us hearts like Yours.
Since the end of the semester is around the corner, I can't help but marvel at how faithful God has been throughout the year. I never thought I would be living at home and going to MSUM, but I couldn't imagine it any other way.
I remember leaving for Northwestern. It was so exciting yet scary. I was embarking on this great adventure away from home, and I could not wait. Although things did not go as planned, Northwestern played a huge role in my life. I was SO blessed by this community of believers and brothers and sisters in Christ. Like I've mentioned in earlier posts, leaving Northwestern was the hardest decision ever. Well, it wasn't really a decision-something I knew I had to do.
Coming back to Fargo and going to MSUM has been a struggle. The beginning of the semester was difficult. Although I was at peace, it was still hard to accept. I found myself thinking of Northwestern every day, and that did not make it any better. I felt discouraged throughout the semester and constantly asked God to show me something good about my situation. Most of the time I felt left out. I didn't have this whole "college experience"-no dorms, on campus events, or close friendships-just living at home and being a commuter. At times I felt like I was "ripped off"-I wanted that college experience I had first semester, but I got a different kind of experience instead.
This year has been a reminder of how faithful God is. Through everything, I have seen God work in my life in many ways. I've learned I don't control my life. I thought I had the next four years of my life figured out, but I was completely wrong. Surrendering plans to God is not easy but is so worth it. And you're not always going to see the good in the situation. When I left Northwestern, I was completely exhausted and unhopeful. Everything was a blessing in disguise. Romans 8:28 has been a reminder of God's faithfulness in my life.
I've also learned how much I depend on God. I cannot do anything on my own. I will never be strong enough by myself. The months leading up to leaving Northwestern had me emotionally exhausted and I knew I couldn't do it. But God reminded me to seek Him and lean upon His strength during that time. The song "Strong Enough" by Matthew West has been my theme song this semester. Some days I would just put it on repeat, blast it in my car, and sing my lungs out to the Lord. It was my plea, my prayer, and my surrender. I am not strong enough Lord, but YOU are. Through this time in my life, I also gained a love for Scripture I never experienced before. I carried my Bible with me everywhere and found time to soak it in-whether in the library, my car, or in between classes. If I didn't have my time with God, I found myself stressed and in a bad mood.
I am overwhelmed by God's goodness. I have been so blessed this semester. God gave me a job at the YMCA working with 1st graders. My best friend is also in Fargo. Reconnecting with old friends. My practicum with Mrs. Rasmussen. Moving in with my best friend in June! Plus so many more wonderful things. My relationship with Him has become so real. I've experienced God in so many different ways this semester. Through all the tears, pain, and trials, I've learned who I truly rely on. The Lord is truly my strength. God has put me here for a reason. MSUM is my home. I absolutely love it now. It took time, but it's home. If God didn't put me through everything, I wouldn't be the same Heather. I would be the person afraid to surrender plans to God, follow Him, and learn to accept new things. But I am new. I am changed. And God is great. I can't even begin to comprehend everything that has happened this year, but I am happy to be where I am. I am blessed.
In high school I was so busy; overwhelmed by meetings, homework, and sports practice. I thought "When I get to college, life will be less busy".
Wrong.
I have been so busy recently. I feel like it's high school all over again. Although I am not involved in a million extracurricular activities (I may have exaggerated a bit), I am busier than ever. Just balancing school and work is a struggle, and I feel like I don't have a social life. It's sometimes stressful, but I am never bored.
But even through the chaos, God is there.
Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually! -1 Chronicles 16:11
I was reminded of God's goodness this week. He is always with me and will NEVER leave me. It's so comforting to know this! I really don't know what He is doing with my life, but my prayer is that it will glorify Him. From time to time, I struggle with remembering to read my Bible everyday, but for a while now, it has been a necessity for me. I NEED my time with God. Especially with how long my days have been, I look forward to my time with God, whether it's early morning, mid-afternoon, or night-it is greatly needed. Scripture has encouraged me; giving me strength and a heart and mind set on Him. Whether I am in my car for a couple of minutes, the library for an hour, or at home for the rest of the night, I always have my Bible with me. It's in my purses (obviously it's my small ESV-the ESV study Bible is a honker!) and is close to me.
I have been reading through John over the past month, and am nearing the end, and I found this verse last night and it reminded me of how God strengthens us:
I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. -John 15:5-8
Life is not going to slow down or get easier, but God only gets better. His Word is rich to us and His love is never ending. As we seek Him, we find our ultimate fulfillment in Him, and there is no greater strength. I know next semester isn't going to be easier, it's definitely going to be more chaotic. But God has a purpose for next semester, and every day for the rest of my life. He's going to do something amazing in your life so don't worry! Cling to Him through trials and tribulations and let Him be your strength.
