These past two months have been a struggle. I have felt lost and far away from God. My desire to spend time with Him disappeared, and earlier this week, God convicted me of this. I have been literally trying to write this blog post for two months now. I sat down in front of my Macbook and started typing, but would find myself deleting sentence after sentence. I could not get the right words out, but it was the Lord teaching me something and He wasn’t quite finished.
I LOVE planning and organizing my life. Don’t ask why, but I enjoy that type of stuff. My day is always planned out-to do lists and all-and whenever I don’t have my “plan”, I feel lost. Another thing about me is that I always try to be prepared and think ahead. So it’s normal to say that I have been thinking about my summer plans. But that’s when things started to get frustrating.
This school year has opened many opportunities and decisions for me: stay in Fargo, work at camp, Summer Project, and so on. But with these opportunities came decision making-something I was not prepared for. Since summer is approaching (Hallelujah!), people have been asking me what my summer plans consist of. And for once in my life, I have no plan. Answering this question consisted of a simple shrug of my shoulders and a “I have absolutely no idea”.
As I prayed about summer, I didn’t hear God’s voice. I continued to pray and continued to hear nothing. I was to the point where I was frustrated with God. Why couldn’t I hear his voice? This led me to many nights full of tears and frustration. The idea of being patient and waiting was hard for me to do. I felt the pressure of deadlines approaching, and I became even more anxious as I waited for the Lord to answer.
But this is not what this blog is about. It’s about what the Lord taught me through this “quiet” time in my life.
The Lord has convicted me of what I have been doing-having a conditional relationship with Him. So what exactly is a conditional relationship? In my words, a conditional relationship is one in which both people expect something out of it. “If” is the key word. If you give me this, I will give you that in return.
On the other hand, an unconditional relationship is one in which love is poured out to the other person no matter what. Right and wrongs do not count. Mistakes do not count. No matter what happens, you will always love the other person. No strings attached. With the Lord, this means no matter what He’s doing in my life, where he has placed me, or what He has taken away will not change my love for Him, it will only increase. At the end of the day, it is saying “Blessed be the name of the Lord”, no matter what is going on in life.
Since God obviously wasn’t giving me the answer to my question when I wanted, my relationship with Him was lacking. I didn’t desire Him-why? God doesn’t look at me and see my sinful ways or my lack of desire for Him and just walk away. No, He continues to seek and love me so much more than I can even begin to comprehend. Even when I reject Him, He continues to love me. God’s relationship with me isn’t conditional, it’s unconditional. So why should I be able to pull out the conditional card when the going gets tough?
My relationship with the Lord is not always an easy one. Every single day I fall short of God’s glory. It reminds me I’m not perfect. Throughout the different seasons in life, I find myself in an array of emotions. Some seasons I am so thankful for what the Lord is doing in my life and then there are the times where I don’t know what God is doing. I constantly give God conditional love while he gives me unconditional love in return. It’s beautiful and overwhelming how much God loves us. He does answer our prayers-just not in our timing. I guess a big part of life is figuring out how to take the focus off yourself and put your focus on Christ. But when we do this, we can find full satisfaction and joy in the One who showed us what unconditional love really means.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my
power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly
of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
-2 Corinthians 12:9
I don’t know about you, but I hate feeling helpless. It is
one of the worst feelings out there. Knowing I can’t do anything to help my
situation makes me feel absolutely frustrated, but knowing I have a God who can
do anything makes me feel absolutely comforted. It’s so hard to “embrace”
helplessness with open arms. I often tell myself I can still do it, even when I
know I can’t.
Yesterday at work, I felt helpless. Because I am stressed due to finals,
projects, presentations, etc, I have become sick. My voice is almost gone, and
when working with children, that’s not a good combination.As I started out the day, my voice was
rough, but I felt like everything was going fine.
Then the afternoon hit.
I became tired, overwhelmed, and stressed, and on top of that, my voice was
getting worse. As I tried to lead my 1st graders and direct them, it
became very evident that it wasn’t going to be smooth sailing. My “voice” was
not going to overpower them. I was given a situation where I did not know how
to handle it, and frustration poured in.At one point in the afternoon, I felt tears well up in my eyes. I felt
helpless. And there was absolutely nothing I could do.
Talk about humbling.
I had to rely on my wonderful co-workers to talk loud for me and on the mercy
of my 1st graders-that they would listen and be quiet if I needed to
talk.As frustrated as I was, it
became very evident that we all need help at some point. Mine happened to be
that I couldn’t talk loud; another persons may be that they need to vent or get
advice.
Throughout the afternoon, I was venting my frustration to
God. Why did this have to happen during the last two weeks of school? As if I
didn’t have enough stuff to do already. God quickly convicted me that I am
trying to glorify myself through what I am doing. I wasn’t glorifying God
because I wasn’t completely relying on Him. I was relying on my own strength,
and it failed me.
I am constantly amazed to see how God takes my brokenness and makes it
beautiful. I get to experience God is so many different ways and see how
amazing my Heavenly Father is. It is always in those moments where I am
helpless. Being helpless is not a burden-it’s a blessing.
As God laid this on my heart, 2 Corinthians 12:9 popped into
my head. I quoted this verse, and it hit me how I need to BOAST in my weakness.
The power of Christ will rest in me. I don’t know about you, but when I thought
about it, I felt comfort and peace like no other.Every semester seems to get longer and harder, but it’s a
perfect place to embrace weakness and rest in God’s strength.
My prayer is that God can be glorified through your weakness. Remember that God
is doing something through your weakness, even if it’s something as minor as
losing your voice. What a comfort to know that I don’t control my life. If I
did, man, would my life be messed up!
For me, expectations push me to do my absolute best. School, work, life in general-I always feel like I am "competing" to meet these expectations. So is that a bad thing? Not necessarily. I am always trying my best but when expectations become an idol in my life, that is when I need to step back and redefine my priorities. Am I serving these expectations instead of God? Are they demanding my time, love, value, or care throughout my day? But the big question is this: Are expectations filling that gap in my life, that only God can? Does the satisfaction of meeting an expectation last or does it quickly fade away, leaving me feel empty?
No matter how many expectations I meet, I will always feel empty. They are never ending and this creates a vicious cycle of always wanting more, but never receiving it.
As a recovering perfectionist, I realize I cannot be perfect. It is impossible. But I am still going to try to do my absolute best. This is something that I served for many years of my life, especially in high school. I had to have the best grade in the class, be the best player on the team, be involved in tons of extracurricular activities, and the list goes on. I always felt the need to do more and try harder-even if that pushed me to my breaking point.
For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. Ephesians 2:8-9
So that NO ONE may boast. When we meet these expectations, it is only by the grace of God. I cannot do anything without Him.
Recently in my life I have felt the pile of expectations build up. I had two weeks of midterms-I felt like I was expected to study a lot and receive A's on my tests. Another big expectation I have felt is the expectations of others, especially in the area of serving. I have been asked to serve in two different ministries, both which I am interested in, but I realized I cannot do it during this time. Yes, I feel the expectation of needing to do this-to serve others. I wish I could, but I feel as if I am at a point in my life where expectations are already high. I recently sat down with my advisor to go over next semester and the rest of my academic career at MSUM. She laid out the expectations for me as an Elementary Education major, and what I must do to get into the program and graduate in order to get a job. Let's just say it's been hard to deal with these expectations and to put them at the foot of the cross.
Laying these expectations down at the feet of Jesus is hard. But I know anything I do will never satisfy me. My true satisfaction is found in Christ alone. He had the biggest expectation laid upon him-to die on the cross for our sins. To take the blame-something I deserve. He was called sinful, selfish, a cheater, liar, etc.
So what is our greatest expectation in life?
To love the Lord our God with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength. Live our lives for Him. Love others and serve selflessly. Share Jesus with others. Not judge. Advance His Kingdom-not our own.
Take time to prayerfully consider what role these expectations play in your life? Our you serving them before the Lord?
You know that feeling, the one where you are emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted? Well, I have already experienced this feeling. And for the records, it's only the second day of classes.
My first day went great; only one class so it's not much. Today was a little different. I had three classes, work, and then a night class for two and a half hours. Although I am really tired, I am so glad to be back in school. I love school. I don't understand why people do not like it. But I guess I want to be a teacher so I automatically have that love for school instilled in me.
Reasons why I am thankful for today:
1) Thankfully, I can afford to go to school.
2) I am one year closer to becoming a teacher
3) I got to meet new friends, see old ones, and everything in between.
4) I love learning about how I can become a better teacher.
To be completely honest, I was pretty exhausted by 1:30, but the Lord gave me the strength and attitude I needed. God quickly reminded me of this when I was on my way home from work and headed back to class. The song "Better than Life" by Remedy Drive came on the radio, and boy did the lyrics remind me of God's hand in my life and how He is the one that keeps me going-even one days like this.
Exhausted You sustained me Was lost but You regained me It cost so much you made me free
Was broken You repaired me My hope was thin, You spared me You spoke lights lit the air for me
Your love saved my life Your love is keeping me awake tonight
I need You You keep You keep My heart beating beating I need You You keep You keep My lungs breathing Because Your love is better than life Better than life
You woke my soul within me You gave me back Your fire to breathe Your light broke through to rescue me
Your love saved my life
I need You You keep You keep My heart beating beating I need You You keep You keep My lungs breathing Because Your love is better than life Better than life
You hold the stars in my skies You put the light in my eyes Your love keeps me alive I need You now and You stay You turned my night into day
I need You You keep You keep My heart beating beating I need You You keep You keep My lungs breathing I need You You keep You keep My heart beating beating I need You You keep You keep My lungs breathing Because Your love is better than life Better than life
Your love is better than life Better than life
I know I am going to have plenty more days like this during the semester, but if I keep a heavenly perspective on things, it will make those days smoother. Over this past year, I've learned to rely on the Lord for everything. It's so hard to do, but when you're forced to rely on Him, you learn how amazing His love for you is. He has everything in His hands. My time with God is now crucial. I NEED it to make it through my day. And over these past two days, I have pushed aside that time. Not a good idea. I am looking forward to spending time with God tonight-it's much needed.
I love when God speaks to us through music. I know I needed God to remind me He is keeping me alive and has everything under control. I need Him more than anything in this life. I don't need good grades. A job. A car. The only thing I need I already have. Oh, and the beautiful thing about it is I don't even deserve one ounce of it, but God continues to pour out His love on me.
With Blessings,
Heather
p.s: Air1 is giving away this song for free this week! Go to this site, download, and enjoy :)
Throughout the past couple of weeks, I have had a lot of "what-ifs".
So what exactly is a "what-if"?
A "what-if" is something that we worry about. What if if I can't come up with the money? What if I can't make rent? What if my car doesn't make it? Etc, etc, etc..
It can be something we are anticipating, worrying about, or just thinking about. But one thing for sure-it can test our faith in the Lord.
Because I am a HUGE planner, I struggle with not knowing what's going on at times. This is something I have worked on over the past year, and I am STILL working on it. It's definitely a work in progress but at times I still fail. Lucky for me though, God NEVER fails.
As I checked my school email tonight (as I do every night), I received an email stating my financial aid award letter was ready to be accessed. So I logged on to e-services, opened my letter, and looked at the screen.
Not exactly what I was hoping for.
Turns out I have to cover a lot more than I expected. Although I am working a lot, I was planning on putting that money away for something else, but I know the Lord will provide. He has NEVER failed me, not once, and I know He never will. So I began my drive back home and was listening to a CD of worship songs. The song "Your Love Never Fails" came on and I thought it was perfect. The lyrics described my feelings. I love those "God moments".
Another "what-if" I have been facing is about my car. For those of you who have had the privilege of riding in my car (Ha, who am I kidding!?), it pretty much sounds like it is going to die or explode-you choose which one comes first. The tires have to be filled up every three days because they are so bad, my gas mileage is horrible, no A/C, and a bunch of other little things are wrong. Not knowing when my car is going to die on me worries me a lot. I don't know if it's going to make it throughout the school year. And if it doesn't, what's my Plan B? I am a commuter. I live 15 minutes away from my school. Not having that control over something I heavily depend on does not help my situation at all.
But I am still thankful for my car.
As I was sitting on my balcony tonight, I opened my Bible to 1 Corinthians. I have been reading through this book for about 2 weeks now and have been amazed at what the Lord has taught me. As I was reading through Chapter 4, one of the last verses really hit home.
For the kingdom of God does not consist in talk but in power.
1 Corinthians 4:20
Wow. Talk about a huge conviction. When I read this verse, it reminded me of God's power and how it is not just promised, but shown in so many ways throughout our lives. The Bible is full of so many promises and they are not just talk. God isn't going to promise us one thing and then bail on us.
He is the God of the universe. Our Creator. Father. And He knows us better than we know ourselves.
So with all these "what-ifs" in my life I must remember who I put my trust in. A God who is faithful, unfailing, and all knowing-that's better than anything in this life.
As I tried laying down tonight, my head was buzzing with thoughts. Lately I have been in the school mode-it makes me excited to see all the school supplies out and getting everything ready for the semester. But preparing for school has also made me think a lot about this past year and where I am.
Last summer all I could think about was going to Northwestern. I could not really describe my excitement. Anyone who knows me knew how much I truly wanted to go to NWC and it was finally going to happen. Because I worked at camp, I was able to talk to a bunch of people about college-I talked about fears, dreams, expectations, and asked for a lot of advice.
The feeling of knowing something great was going to happen was instilled in me all summer. I knew God was going to change me, shape me, stretch me, bend me, etc, but it was going to bring me closer to Him.
Since I am no longer a freshmen, I kind of miss that excitement. You honestly don't know what college is like until you experience it, and I feel like the summer prior to college is full of expectations and excitement. Once you go to college, you realize what it's like. Some things are just how you imagined, others are not. But it's college.
Throughout the semester I have struggled. I've missed NWC so much but I have felt content at the same time. It's been the toughest thing to do, yet I have seen and experienced God's blessings within my life. This is where God wants me and He has made it clear, but it is still hard to accept. I would give anything just to go back to NWC in August. See all my friends. Eat in the Billy. Move back into the dorms. But I know I can't.
Why?
Because God led me to MSUM.
I still don't know why, but I am trusting in His timing and promise from Romans 8:28.
And we know that for those who love God
all things work together for good,
for those who are called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28
With the school year just around the corner, I want that repeat of last year. I want to feel that excitement and return to NWC. I miss everything about it, and I still want to go back. But I can't. It's a hard place to be because I want to be content in God's plans, but the selfish part of me wants what I desire-not God's desires. It's difficult to follow the Lord and what He has planned and it's mostly because I am not the one in charge. By the end of Spring Semester, I was loving MSUM and everything about where I was but now I feel like I did before. I guess I didn't realize how hard it would be to start school again without going back to NWC.
Life is going to be full of these moments-moments where we feel like everything is falling apart. But in reality, it is God working. Our hearts desires will differ from God's, but in the end, His way will prevail and it's for OUR good. I want that mind that is set on the ways of the Lord but often find myself desiring different things. It's just one of those things that we, as followers of Christ, try to cling to. Instead we must cling to Christ because He is our only hope, foundation, and purpose in this life.
Lord, It's so hard to desire your ways, especially when my heart is set on something else. I admit I do not always realize Your beauty in every situation, which makes it less appealing to my eyes. Help me to remember the promise and how You will always have a plan for me. Give me a desire for You.
It's easy to praise the Lord and bless His name when things are going well, but when things go wrong-well that's another story. Lately God has been teaching me a lot about His blessings and how to be thankful. Over the past couple of months I've struggled with this at times, but the Lord has used it to teach me so much.
There is a song called 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord) by Matt Redman that has been my heart's cry over the past few months. The song was taken directly from Psalm 103, especially verses 1-5. I love worshiping the Lord through this song and how He has used it in my life.
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all who are oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
his acts to the people of Israel.
The LORD is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass;
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
and its place knows it no more.
But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
and his righteousness to children's children,
to those who keep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments.
The LORD has established his throne in the heavens,
and his kingdom rules over all.
Bless the LORD, O you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his word,
obeying the voice of his word!
Bless the LORD, all his hosts,
his ministers, who do his will!
Bless the LORD, all his works,
in all places of his dominion.
Bless the LORD, O my soul!
(Psalm 103 ESV)
I love this Scripture. The goodness of God just shines through every verse, telling about what He has done. In verse 10 it says "He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our inequities". We don't deserve even an ounce of grace yet the Lord gives us more than we can even imagine. That fact blows my mind. We are not treated like sinners, rather like Children of God.
Bless the Lord, O my soul!
This should be my response to everything that happens to me. Doesn't matter if it's good or bad, the Lord deserves praise. Even when the evening comes, we must praise His name. But that's easier said than done. I struggle so much with this. Sure when things are going well I am all "God is great!" but when things aren't going as planned, that's not the first thing I want to say or even think. With everything that has happened to me over this year, I have learned and am still learning how to bless the Lord in each and every situation.
"But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, and His righteousness to children's children, to those who keep His covenant and remember to do His commandments" (Verses 17-18)
God's love does not just end. It has NO end. And we have received this undeserving love through the blood of Jesus. That gives us way more than 10,000 reasons to bless the Lord! Just think of all the ways God has blessed you. You can't count them. But you can praise Him for everything He has given you.
Here are the lyrics for 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord). I pray that this song can be your heart's cry to the Lord.
[Chorus] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name
The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning It's time to sing Your song again Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me Let me be singing when the evening comes
[Chorus] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name
You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger Your name is great, and Your heart is kind For all Your goodness I will keep on singing Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find
[Chorus] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name
And on that day when my strength is failing The end draws near and my time has come Still my soul will sing Your praise unending Ten thousand years and then forevermore
[Chorus x2] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name Lord, I'll worship Your holy name
Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name I'll worship Your holy name
We have the opportunity to bless the Lord and praise HIS name! We have freedom to worship our King. Take every moment as an act of worship, remember all that He has blessed you with, is blessing you with, and ways He will bless you as His plan for you unfolds.
