Don't Stop the Madness

If I could use one work to describe my week it would be madness.

Between packing, moving out, cleaning, starting summer classes, moving back into my parents place, and work, I have had no time to even sit down. I quickly found myself overwhelmed at the beginning of the week-a sure sign that it was going to be a hard week. I felt the stress of deadlines-packing, moving boxes, cleaning, etc. and the pressure of starting a three week summer biology class (Science is not my strongest subject).

By Tuesday morning, I was overwhelmed and felt tears whelming up in my eyes. I realized the security in my plans for moving did not go as planned. Since moving got delayed, we ended up changing everything. For a planner like me, a complete change in schedule freaks me out. I do not like sudden changes. It’s how I am. Do I like it? Not at all.

Then Wednesday hit. Feeling tired, worn, and not ready for what the day demanded, I hit the road at 7 am to go to a three hour biology class. Not to mention that my class ended up being on the 4th floor-that’s 70 stairs if you’re wondering. The only goal of my day was simple-to survive and not have a breakdown.

But then a song came on the radio.

The song is called “Don’t Stop the Madness” by Tenth Avenue North. This song talks about how the madness, chaos, and pain in our lives is used in order for the Lord to break our hearts and make us more like Him. It’s a desperate cry to the Lord to break our deceitful, foolish, and idolized hearts. And it’s not fun.

Here are the lyrics:

There's a beggar down inside of me

Standing on the corner of the street

And my shame is my only company

Can use some cash, but can't admit my need

For what you've got and what I could receive

I need you love to come and break the silence

Don't stop the madness

Don't stop the chaos

Don't stop the pain surrounding me

Don't be afraid, Lord, to break my heart

Just bring me down to my knees, yeah

All I hear is what they're selling me

That God is love, he isn't suffering

And what you need's a little faith and prosperity

But, oh my God, I know there's more than this

If you promise pain it can't be meaningless

So make me poor if that's the price for freedom

Don't stop the madness

Don't stop the chaos

Don't stop the pain surrounding me

Don't be afraid, Lord, to break my heart

If it brings me down to my knees, yeah

In a marriage lost

And the cry in the dark

Don't stop with your love

And the mother's tear

For the child that starves

Don't stop with your love

When we're breaking down

We're falling apart

Don't stop with your love

And with new eyes to see

This is your mercy

Don't stop with your love

Don't stop the madness

Don't stop the chaos

Don't stop the pain inside of me

Do whatever it takes to give me your heart

And bring me down to my knees, Lord

I was so grateful the Lord orchestrated this moment in order to remind me of the blessing “chaos” can be in my life. I realized how much I relied on my plans to follow through, and when they didn’t, I was upset. But I need to rely on the Lord. His plans NEVER fail.

The madness that fills our lives is never going to stop. It is a constant struggle, and although it may seem never ending, there is rest in the arms of our Savior. I can’t help but look back at my week and be amazed of how I made it through. How the Lord taught me so much, and how I neglected to spend time with Him when I obviously needed it the most. If life was easy, we would not need the Lord. But through the madness, we find the peace, comfort, and strength we need-which is worth every single second of chaos.

With Blessings,

Heather 

Struggles (In Singleness)

We all have our struggles. Struggles for joy, contentment, or peace. Lately, I have been faced with a new struggle. I have been content about this situation, but now I am feeling the pains of this struggle. So what is my struggle?

Contentment in my singleness.

I have enjoyed be single for many reasons and have always felt like it was the right stage for me during different seasons of my life. I have felt contentment and joy, knowing I was waiting for the Lord to orchestrate the relationship of my future husband and I. A couple years ago, I read a book called “Sacred Singleness” by Leslie Ludy. This book spoke to me in so many ways and helped me to see my singleness as a blessing and not a burden. I encourage all my friends to read this book because it has been such an encouragement to me.

Every night, I pray for my future husband. I also enjoy writing to him. It may seem like a weird concept, but through all the prayers and letters, I have felt this connection to him. But I don’t know who he is. It’s hard to understand but I feel it. Praying for him has become something very important to me because I know every single person needs prayers. I pray for strength in hard times, purity, growth in the Lord, and that his friendships and relationships would be glorifying to the Lord. I also pray that if he does not know the Lord yet, that he would be convicted and know this never-ending love. I want a Christ centered relationship and what better way than to start it out with prayer years before our relationship even begins.

Although this has been a struggle for me, I cling to the promise of Romans 8:28. This verse has been such a rock for me through everything in life I’ve experienced. So I rest in the comfort of knowing that God has provided this struggle and this season of my life for MY good. Through my singleness, I have been able to develop a relationship with the Lord and focus on Him. I know the Lord is preparing me for my future husband and is also preparing my future husband for me. It is encouraging to know that this is a time of growth that will impact any future relationships I may have.

The Lord knows the inward desires of our hearts. I trust in His faithfulness and timing, knowing He has it all under control. This season of my life has a purpose. A purpose of growth-spiritually and personally. I know someday it is going to be so worth the waiting and getting to walk down the aisle to my future husband. To go before God and our friends and family to vow our faithfulness to each other and the Lord. What a beautiful picture of the love of Christ and His church it will be!

With Blessings,

Heather 

Rejoicing in Singleness

What does Valentine’s Day mean to me? Well let me tell you...

It’s not some day where I feel sad, depressed, or angry because I’m single, rather, it’s a day where I spend a little more time thinking and praying about my future husband. Every day, I pray for my future husband. God has really given me a desire to pray for my future husband, even though I do not know who he is. At about age 16, I started feeling the urge to pray and write to my future husband and marriage, and since then, I have spent time every day praying just for him. Through praying, I have felt this connection to my future husband. That may sound confusing or weird, but I seriously feel that. It’s like I know him but I don’t at the same time. It’s overwhelming to know that I am praying for someone I haven’t met, yet I care so much about him. 

I am thankful for this time that the Lord has given me to focus on Him. I know during this time I am able to grow in my relationship with Him without any other distractions. I also see this time as a time of growth. The Lord is working in my life and shaping me into the person He desires me to become. The more I grow in my single season, the more positives I bring into my future relationship/marriage. It’s really cool to look at it in that way. I know God is changing me to be the person my future husband needs.

I am filled with the joy of Christ knowing His ways are prevailing in my life. He is doing something incredible in my heart and life, and it’s something that will benefit my future marriage. I know in God’s timing He will bring my future husband into my life. Until then, I get to experience this time with the Lord where my passion and focus is on Him alone.

I am excited to see who God has for me to spend the rest of my life with, but until then, I must be patient. Some days are easier than others, but I know it will be worth it. Who knows how long my singleness season will last, but I know by praying for my future husband, I can already take a part in my future marriage. How beautiful is that?

With blessings,

Heather

Unconditional Love

These past two months have been a struggle. I have felt lost and far away from God. My desire to spend time with Him disappeared, and earlier this week, God convicted me of this. I have been literally trying to write this blog post for two months now. I sat down in front of my Macbook and started typing, but would find myself deleting sentence after sentence. I could not get the right words out, but it was the Lord teaching me something and He wasn’t quite finished.

I LOVE planning and organizing my life. Don’t ask why, but I enjoy that type of stuff. My day is always planned out-to do lists and all-and whenever I don’t have my “plan”, I feel lost. Another thing about me is that I always try to be prepared and think ahead. So it’s normal to say that I have been thinking about my summer plans. But that’s when things started to get frustrating.

This school year has opened many opportunities and decisions for me: stay in Fargo, work at camp, Summer Project, and so on. But with these opportunities came decision making-something I was not prepared for. Since summer is approaching (Hallelujah!), people have been asking me what my summer plans consist of. And for once in my life, I have no plan. Answering this question consisted of a simple shrug of my shoulders and a “I have absolutely no idea”.

As I prayed about summer, I didn’t hear God’s voice. I continued to pray and continued to hear nothing. I was to the point where I was frustrated with God. Why couldn’t I hear his voice? This led me to many nights full of tears and frustration. The idea of being patient and waiting was hard for me to do. I felt the pressure of deadlines approaching, and I became even more anxious as I waited for the Lord to answer.


But this is not what this blog is about. It’s about what the Lord taught me through this “quiet” time in my life.


The Lord has convicted me of what I have been doing-having a conditional relationship with Him. So what exactly is a conditional relationship? In my words, a conditional relationship is one in which both people expect something out of it. “If” is the key word. If you give me this, I will give you that in return. 

On the other hand, an unconditional relationship is one in which love is poured out to the other person no matter what. Right and wrongs do not count. Mistakes do not count. No matter what happens, you will always love the other person. No strings attached. With the Lord, this means no matter what He’s doing in my life, where he has placed me, or what He has taken away will not change my love for Him, it will only increase. At the end of the day, it is saying “Blessed be the name of the Lord”, no matter what is going on in life.

Since God obviously wasn’t giving me the answer to my question when I wanted, my relationship with Him was lacking. I didn’t desire Him-why? God doesn’t look at me and see my sinful ways or my lack of desire for Him and just walk away. No, He continues to seek and love me so much more than I can even begin to comprehend. Even when I reject Him, He continues to love me. God’s relationship with me isn’t conditional, it’s unconditional. So why should I be able to pull out the conditional card when the going gets tough?

My relationship with the Lord is not always an easy one. Every single day I fall short of God’s glory. It reminds me I’m not perfect. Throughout the different seasons in life, I find myself in an array of emotions. Some seasons I am so thankful for what the Lord is doing in my life and then there are the times where I don’t know what God is doing. I constantly give God conditional love while he gives me unconditional love in return. It’s beautiful and overwhelming how much God loves us. He does answer our prayers-just not in our timing. I guess a big part of life is figuring out how to take the focus off yourself and put your focus on Christ. But when we do this, we can find full satisfaction and joy in the One who showed us what unconditional love really means.

With Blessings,

         Heather

Weakness {2 Corinthians 12:9}

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

-2 Corinthians 12:9

I don’t know about you, but I hate feeling helpless. It is one of the worst feelings out there. Knowing I can’t do anything to help my situation makes me feel absolutely frustrated, but knowing I have a God who can do anything makes me feel absolutely comforted. It’s so hard to “embrace” helplessness with open arms. I often tell myself I can still do it, even when I know I can’t.

Yesterday at work, I felt helpless. Because I am stressed due to finals, projects, presentations, etc, I have become sick. My voice is almost gone, and when working with children, that’s not a good combination.  As I started out the day, my voice was rough, but I felt like everything was going fine.

Then the afternoon hit.

I became tired, overwhelmed, and stressed, and on top of that, my voice was getting worse. As I tried to lead my 1^st graders and direct them, it became very evident that it wasn’t going to be smooth sailing. My “voice” was not going to overpower them. I was given a situation where I did not know how to handle it, and frustration poured in.  At one point in the afternoon, I felt tears well up in my eyes. I felt helpless. And there was absolutely nothing I could do.

Talk about humbling.

I had to rely on my wonderful co-workers to talk loud for me and on the mercy of my 1^st graders-that they would listen and be quiet if I needed to talk.  As frustrated as I was, it became very evident that we all need help at some point. Mine happened to be that I couldn’t talk loud; another persons may be that they need to vent or get advice.

Throughout the afternoon, I was venting my frustration to God. Why did this have to happen during the last two weeks of school? As if I didn’t have enough stuff to do already. God quickly convicted me that I am trying to glorify myself through what I am doing. I wasn’t glorifying God because I wasn’t completely relying on Him. I was relying on my own strength, and it failed me.

I am constantly amazed to see how God takes my brokenness and makes it beautiful. I get to experience God is so many different ways and see how amazing my Heavenly Father is. It is always in those moments where I am helpless. Being helpless is not a burden-it’s a blessing.

As God laid this on my heart, 2 Corinthians 12:9 popped into my head. I quoted this verse, and it hit me how I need to BOAST in my weakness. The power of Christ will rest in me. I don’t know about you, but when I thought about it, I felt comfort and peace like no other.  Every semester seems to get longer and harder, but it’s a perfect place to embrace weakness and rest in God’s strength.

My prayer is that God can be glorified through your weakness. Remember that God is doing something through your weakness, even if it’s something as minor as losing your voice. What a comfort to know that I don’t control my life. If I did, man, would my life be messed up!

Happy End of the Semester!!

With Blessings,

         Heather

The Danger of Expectations

Expectations.

It's a dangerous word.

For me, expectations push me to do my absolute best. School, work, life in general-I always feel like I am "competing" to meet these expectations. So is that a bad thing? Not necessarily. I am always trying my best but when expectations become an idol in my life, that is when I need to step back and redefine my priorities.  Am I serving these expectations instead of God? Are they demanding my time, love, value, or care throughout my day?

But the big question is this: Are expectations filling that gap in my life, that only God can? Does the satisfaction of meeting an expectation last or does it quickly fade away, leaving me feel empty?

No matter how many expectations I meet, I will always feel empty.  They are never ending and this creates a vicious cycle of always wanting more, but never receiving it.

As a recovering perfectionist, I realize I cannot be perfect. It is impossible. But I am still going to try to do my absolute best. This is something that I served for many years of my life, especially in high school. I had to have the best grade in the class, be the best player on the team, be involved in tons of extracurricular activities, and the list goes on. I always felt the need to do more and try harder-even if that pushed me to my breaking point.


For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.
Ephesians 2:8-9 

So that NO ONE may boast. When we meet these expectations, it is only by the grace of God. I cannot do anything without Him.

Recently in my life I have felt the pile of expectations build up. I had two weeks of midterms-I felt like I was expected to study a lot and receive A's on my tests. Another big expectation I have felt is the expectations of others, especially in the area of serving.  I have been asked to serve in two different ministries, both which I am interested in, but I realized I cannot do it during this time. Yes, I feel the expectation of needing to do this-to serve others. I wish I could, but I feel as if I am at a point in my life where expectations are already high. I recently sat down with my advisor to go over next semester and the rest of my academic career at MSUM. She laid out the expectations for me as an Elementary Education major, and what I must do to get into the program and graduate in order to get a job. Let's just say it's been hard to deal with these expectations and to put them at the foot of the cross.

Laying these expectations down at the feet of Jesus is hard. But I know anything I do will never satisfy me. My true satisfaction is found in Christ alone. He had the biggest expectation laid upon him-to die on the cross for our sins. To take the blame-something I deserve. He was called sinful, selfish, a cheater, liar, etc.

So what is our greatest expectation in life?

To love the Lord our God with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength. Live our lives for Him. Love others and serve selflessly. Share Jesus with others. Not judge. Advance His Kingdom-not our own.

Take time to prayerfully consider what role these expectations play in your life? Our you serving them before the Lord?

With Blessings,

         Heather

You Keep My Heart Beating

You know that feeling, the one where you are emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted? Well, I have already experienced this feeling. And for the records, it's only the second day of classes.

My first day went great; only one class so it's not much. Today was a little different. I had three classes, work, and then a night class for two and a half hours. Although I am really tired, I am so glad to be back in school. I love school. I don't understand why people do not like it. But I guess I want to be a teacher so I automatically have that love for school instilled in me.

Reasons why I am thankful for today:

1) Thankfully, I can afford to go to school. 

2) I am one year closer to becoming a teacher

3) I got to meet new friends, see old ones, and everything in between.

4) I love learning about how I can become a better teacher.

To be completely honest, I was pretty exhausted by 1:30, but the Lord gave me the strength and attitude I needed. God quickly reminded me of this when I was on my way home from work and headed back to class. The song "Better than Life" by Remedy Drive came on the radio, and boy did the lyrics remind me of God's hand in my life and how He is the one that keeps me going-even one days like this.

Exhausted You sustained me
Was lost but You regained me
It cost so much you made me free

Was broken You repaired me
My hope was thin, You spared me
You spoke lights lit the air for me

Your love saved my life
Your love is keeping me awake tonight

I need You
You keep You keep
My heart beating beating
I need You
You keep You keep
My lungs breathing
Because Your love is better than life
Better than life

You woke my soul within me
You gave me back Your fire to breathe
Your light broke through to rescue me

Your love saved my life

I need You
You keep You keep
My heart beating beating
I need You
You keep You keep
My lungs breathing
Because Your love is better than life
Better than life

You hold the stars in my skies
You put the light in my eyes
Your love keeps me alive
I need You now and You stay
You turned my night into day

I need You
You keep You keep
My heart beating beating
I need You
You keep You keep
My lungs breathing
I need You
You keep You keep
My heart beating beating
I need You
You keep You keep
My lungs breathing
Because Your love is better than life
Better than life

Your love is better than life
Better than life

I know I am going to have plenty more days like this during the semester, but if I keep a heavenly perspective on things, it will make those days smoother. Over this past year, I've learned to rely on the Lord for everything. It's so hard to do, but when you're forced to rely on Him, you learn how amazing His love for you is. He has everything in His hands. My time with God is now crucial. I NEED it to make it through my day. And over these past two days, I have pushed aside that time. Not a good idea. I am looking forward to spending time with God tonight-it's much needed.

I love when God speaks to us through music. I know I needed God to remind me He is keeping me alive and has everything under control. I need Him more than anything in this life. I don't need good grades. A job. A car. The only thing I need I already have. Oh, and the beautiful thing about it is I don't even deserve one ounce of it, but God continues to pour out His love on me.

With Blessings,

         Heather

p.s: Air1 is giving away this song for free this week! Go to this site, download, and enjoy :)

http://www.air1.com/music/free-songs.aspx