Constant

As I sit here with 18 days left of the school year, I’ve been reflecting about the past year of my life. Just short of a year ago, I was excited, hopeful, and oblivious to what I was about to face. I had just graduated college and searched for my first teaching job. It took a lot of patience and perseverance. I prayed, I cried, I felt excitement. As a college graduate, I was ready to prove myself to the world of teaching. But I did not expect it turn out like it did. 

All summer I anticipated the school year. I thought of the teacher I wanted to be. The way my classroom would look. June and July quickly passed and then August arrived. I began professional development and became immediately overwhelmed. So much information and so many new faces. Nerves started kicking in with an equal amount of excitement. 

I started school and by the second day I was already searching for another career. August to October were really tough months. I cried in the car on my commute home daily. I cried at school in my classroom in front another teacher. To simply put it, I was miserable during those first few months. Thankfully that feeling did not last and I decided I NEEDED to make it through the year somehow. 

Tonight as I was sitting and reflecting, I thought of a word. Constant. Throughout this entire year, God has been constant. Through the trials, tears, and joy. Through the mistakes. Through the victories. In a year that I thought would never end. Through the pure exhaustion. Your situation, job, lifestyle, relationships, etc, all change. Those things are not constant. Even in a changing world, we can seek the One that never changes. 

Even now, as I am job hunting again, I’m reminded of how God is constant. He is in complete control. I have to remind myself of this truth every single day. I think of the verse in Hebrews “Jesus Christ is the same today, yesterday, and forever”. 

With Blessings,

Heather 

First Week

I've officially made it three whole days as a 1st grade teacher-my first week of many. I've had a lot of people ask me how it was. I could lie and cover up how I'm feeling but I would rather tell you the truth-here it is raw and real:

Honestly, it was the hardest week of my life. It was a rollercoaster of emotions as I sorted through how I was feeling day by day. I questioned my career choice and seriously started thinking of what I should do after this year. Maybe I was getting a little ahead of myself, but that's how I honestly felt. I cried a lot. I wished I could somehow get out of my contract. I DREADED going to school on the second day. I googled "experiences of first year teachers" to see if anyone else felt the same way. The results: every new teacher. I thought to myself "How can something I've wanted to do for 18 years turn out like this?" 

A chart from a first year teacher study. This is completely accurate and spot on.

Don't get me wrong, I came into this career knowing it was not going to be easy. It's been overwhelming, exhausting, and stressful. I honestly feel clueless and lost. There is so much to learn that you are not taught in college. Everything is new-building layout, students, staff, rules/expectations, curriculum, and everything else. It's a learn on the job type of thing while being in charge of little humans. I'm trying to teach them how to sit at the carpet, manners, academics, and other routines/expectations. When you feel like you have no control, it's hard to be in control of other people.

"I'm so thankful that my identity does not come from teaching, but comes from Christ. If I found my identity in teaching, it would be messy".

 The good thing? I'm not alone. I have an amazing mentor teacher, staff, and principal to help me out. I'm not afraid to ask for help or questions, and I've definitely asked a lot! I know I do not know everything. Heck, I feel like I know nothing ;) 

I'm so thankful that my identity does not come from teaching, but comes from Christ. If I found my identity in teaching, it would be messy. Don't get me wrong, there have been times in life where I have tried to find my identity in other things such as school and teaching, but they've failed me and continue to fail me (unlike God). I know that God has given me a heart for children and teaching. I know God is good through all of this. And in this season of life, this is where He has me. It may change 2, 10, or 20 years down the road. But I trust in His unfailing promise. His goodness. His sovereignty.

That was my first week. I know every week won't be like that but it was quite the rollercoaster. No matter what, my students will show up, they will learn, and they will be loved.

With Blessings,

Miss Brasel (my "new" name) ;)

It Will Be Okay {Post-Diploma Reflections}

As I waited for my last semester of college I was feeling excited and looking forward to the future. My whole life was in front of me. Finally, I would be able to pursue my dreams of becoming a teacher. I had submitted applications for five different school districts around the area. Then something changed. Graduation got closer. Still didn’t have a job. Then I graduated. Still no job. I didn’t realize how emotional it would be to apply for and wait to hear back from school districts. It’s been a process full of hope, disappointment, and questions. It’s hard not to compare yourself, question your abilities, and wonder why. Teaching has been my dream since the young age of five. It’s so close to becoming a reality. Although I haven’t heard back from all the districts yet, it’s hard not to feel scared. I’m trusting that the Lord will continue to guide me, open up doors, and close doors as well. I know He has a plan greater than mine-and that is hard to admit at times.

I’ve been an emotional roller coaster as I recently graduated college and waited for interviews. It was great to finally know that all my hard work paid off-every paper, lesson plan, and minute spent in the library. But with the end also comes a new beginning. I’ve been looking forward to being done, but I also realize I’m losing a big part of community. College is so consuming in every area of your life that it becomes you.

Honestly, the transition has been harder than I expected. I thought I was ready for this and I’m not. I am faced with a new stage of life and didn’t realize how hard it would be to make these huge decisions. I’ve had days where I have felt very down and sad while I’ve also had days where I have been very happy and content. It’s a constant battle every day. I’ve been surrounding myself with Scripture to remind myself of God’s provision for my life. My screensaver for my phone is Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God to those who are called according to His purpose”.  I’m clinging on to God during this time. I’m taking every moment to pray, read the Bible, and focus on the Lord.

I’m still waiting to hear back from a few school districts, but a part of me is questioning if the Lord is leading me to somewhere outside of West Fargo/Fargo-Moorhead or even a new career. I’m scared to move somewhere new by myself. I’ve been praying for direction and wisdom in what to do. I have been crying out to the Lord, asking for prayers, and being vulnerable with others. I didn’t realize how I was feeling until I went to Missional Community last week. When we broke up into small groups to pray, the question asked was: “How is life going?” I started answering and then became a puddle of tears. I did not realize how I was truly feeling until it came out and I shared it with someone. Through a lot of prayer, I have continued to broaden my search outside of the Fargo-Moorhead area. It’s not up for me to decide where I get a job. I’m not in control. I do not have to feel the pressure of finding a job because GOD IS IN CONTROL. My flesh constantly needs to be reminded of this because I try to depend on myself.

So how am I feeling at this point? I’m feeling a little better-still processing my feelings. I know I do not have to worry. My identity does not come from my career. Heck, maybe I won’t even become a teacher. Whatever may happen, I know that it is for my good. God is faithful and will continue to guide my every step. He is the God that goes before me and behind me. He has a plan much better than this super organized/planner girl. Right now, this is an area of complete surrender. And I know it will be okay.

The Beginning of the End

In exactly 7 days, I will be back home in North Dakota. As much as I am excited, I am sad to be done with project and leave this amazing community. I was not sure when it was going to hit (the fact that I am leaving) but it hit this morning in church. It was one of those moments. I was trying to take in the moment-being in our last church service here in Seaside Park. This church has loved and served us so well in countless ways-thank you is not enough. 

I remember our first Sunday at church. It was a little overwhelming. I met a lot of people. There is one moment in particular I remember: We were singing "Amazing Grace" and tears filled my eyes. At that moment, I was not sure why I was here. And honestly, I really did not want to be here. I was questioning why I was on project and facing a lot of doubt. As I sang the lyrics "my chains are gone, I've been set free", I realized I did not have to be afraid of this summer. I've been given the ultimate freedom. I will never forget this moment and how God truly met me in a time of weakness. 

Now, nine weeks later, I sat in our last church service. It was emotional for me. We started worship by singing "Great is Thy Faithfulness". I could not help but reflect on how faithful God has been throughout the past 9 weeks of project. I was overwhelmed with emotions: thankfulness, sadness, and joy. He has been so faithful, even in my uncertainty. 

Leaving project is going to be difficult. There are going to be lots of tears. Even as I'm writing, there are tears. At the beginning of project, all I wanted to do was go home. Now I do not even want to leave. Being back with my family, first graders, and friends will be great, but nothing can replace my summer project family. God is faithful.

With Blessings,

Heather 

Self Confidence vs. God Confidence {Reflections from 2 Timothy 1:10-12}

During my time with the Lord, I have been reading the book of 2 Timothy. I have been studying it for a little over a week and I am only on verse 12-there is so much in each verse! Tonight, I was reading verses 10-12 and something really stuck out to me. Before I share what I have been learning, here is a little background on this book.

The author is Paul in which he is writing to Timothy-his disciple. Paul is in prison awaiting death yet he continues to point Timothy to the Gospel and encourage him to carry it on. Paul truly shows the perseverance in the Gospel, even among his suffering. It is in one’s weakness in which true character is revealed. Despite his suffering, Paul shows true life is found in Jesus Christ-not in anything in or of this world. 

(2 Timothy 1:10-12 ESV)

...And which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel, for which I was appointed a preacher and apostle and teacher, which is why I suffer as I do. But I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me”.

I have an ESV Study Bible with numerous footnotes, maps, and illustrations that I use during my quiet time. After meditating on this passage, I read the notes to see some of the context of these verses. 

In verse 10, Paul states: “But I am not ashamed, for I know who I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me”. This verse alone shows the confidence Paul has in God and for him to finish the work he has done through His apostle. Amidst Paul’s imprisonment, He claims Christ. Paul does not have confidence in himself, he has confidence in God. 

There is something different about Paul. From reading about his conversion in the book of Acts to reading about his imprisonment in 2 Timothy, you can see that transformation. Not only in this man’s heart but also his mind. See, Paul doesn’t have self-confidence, he has God-confidence. 

This got me thinking about what I chose-self confidence or God-confidence. I can tell you that many times I chose self-confidence. I do not choose to rely on the Lord or to be led by the Spirit. I often notice my own weaknesses instead of seeking out God’s strengths. With God-confidence I am: empowered, strengthened, chosen, cherished, bold, and capable. With self-confidence I am: weak, selfish, dependent on self, worried, and doomed for failure. 

I have never considered myself to be a bold individual. I do not usually take risks and live life on the edge. I weigh my decisions carefully, think logically, and stay within my comfort zone. Being on summer project has taught me a lot about boldness. Although I may not think I am bold, in Christ I truly am. 

Self confidence says I am not bold. God-confidence says I am bold.

Paul was not born with all these special skills and talents, rather, God equipped Paul and Paul depended on God. I often look at the authors of the Bible and think “Wow, they must have been extraordinary individuals”, but in reality, a lot of these men were just like us. They sinned. But they made bold steps of faith because of God-confidence. 

This summer has been filled with a lot of bold steps of faith. When I have tried to depend on my own strength and confidence, I simply failed. When I depended on the Lord and God-confidence, He did amazing things. With less than two weeks left of project, I want to depend on God-confidence, not self-confidence. Whether it is at work, sharing the Gospel, or encouraging a friend. 

So what are you going to choose: self-confidence or God-confidence?

With Blessings,

Heather 

Reflections on the term "Project": How the End is Just the Beginning

Yesterday at Bible study, the Lord gave me a thought-one that intrigued and made me reflect on what project really means. I started writing this blog but then stopped. I did not know if the Lord was still teaching me something about this. I often find myself starting a blog but then finishing it months later-sometimes the Lord starts teaching me something but it often turns into a continual process.

 According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the word "project" has many different meanings. Here are a few:

-to put or set forth

-to attribute (one's own ideas, feelings, or characteristics) to other people

I often find myself saying: "When project ends..." or "After project is over.." but it is not something that ends. The actual project itself may end but the experiences and the things we have learned will continue to shape how we live our lives. When I first thought of the word project, I thought of something like a school project-it demonstrates what we have learned and can close up a unit of study. Summer project is the opposite. We sign up, raise support, trust God, and learn more about Him. We are truly being equipped for the rest of our lives.

In Hoboken, NJ (NYC is right behind us)

Watching fireworks with my house

I can bet that most of us, if not everyone, desires to have that "project experience" and to leave with amazing stories of what God did. I know I do. We try to pinpoint one single experience to define our time on project but it is impossible. Project is made up of the many moments-the fun, hard, and scary moments. God is doing something different in each of our lives. Not one experience will be the same.  The Lord has convicted me of how I desire this type of experience-not for His glory, but for my own. I should be desiring stories that point others to Him and allow God to be glorified.

Lately, I have been cherishing the time I have here on project because I know our time is limited here. Come August 2nd, project will end but it will not be over. In reality, project will never end for us. On August 2nd, we will leave each other and the community we have formed over the past ten weeks. The things that we have learned, the impact this community has had, and the training we have received will not leave us. In reality, the end is just the beginning! It is hard to look at project that way-August 2nd will be a day full of hard goodbyes, but just to each other-the lessons we have learned will live on.

I am definitely ready to go home but not ready to leave. It's a difficult contrast to have. I cannot describe how much I love this community and how genuine it has been over the past 7 weeks. I've only known these people since the end of May and we are already closer than ever. I've experienced close community before, but this one takes the cake. This is my last summer as a college student and I am so thankful I am spending it on project. As of today, we have three weeks left here. In three weeks I am going to say some of the hardest goodbyes. 21 days. I'm ready to be back in the Midwest but not ready to leave. The next three weeks are going to be great. God is going to do big things. And that is just the beginning.

With Blessings,

Heather

Halfway

Last night we said goodbye to the staff and officially took over project as student leaders. I felt a lot of emotions in that moment-excitement, sadness, and the feeling when my parents first left me at college. It is hard to believe that we all arrived a month ago not knowing why we were here and how our community would look like. Now, here we are a month later, with a community that the Lord has soverignly picked out for each individual to be here at this time. It is mind-blowing to see the community here and how we each play a part in this project.

My Impact Group

Green House Ladies-I love living with these girls more than words.

Like I mentioned before, a month ago was the beginning of this difficult, exciting, faith-stretching journey. We arrived with many expectations, nerves, and excitement. Some of us arrived not wanting to be here. But the Lord has been faithful. So faithful. I have seen this community quickly become my family, my encouragers, and my supporters. I have been so encouraged by my brothers and sisters to take big steps of faith, trust God, and allow Him to work in and through me. These people truly are my family here.

Watching the staff walk out of the church was bittersweet. They have all been so great. When we arrived a month ago, they trained, encouraged, and prayed with us. They prepared us. They trusted God to do something bigger than ever through us. They discipled and pushed us to be bold. To look at our lives and follow Christ more whole heartily. Seeing the people who have trained and equipped us by the Lord's guidance to leave us was hard. I am so thankful for these Godly men and women. To carry on project without them feels strange, but it is possible. The Lord has picked each student to be here for a reason and purpose. It is not always evident, but it is always good.

My discipler Kristen and I.

Laughter is beautiful, especially with these women.

Our summer here is officially halfway over. Only five more weeks with my family. Although we are all going back to different places, our summer here will continue to resinate in our hearts and the Lord will use us back home. For the next five weeks, the Lord is going to crazy things. Big things. Unreal things.

Five weeks, 46 college students, and most importantly, the Lord. Ready or not, the next five weeks are going to fly by but we are going to experience Him in a deeper way, grow our community, and seek to live out the Gospel in our lives.

With Blessings,

Heather