As I waited for my last semester
of college I was feeling excited and looking forward to the future. My whole
life was in front of me. Finally, I would be able to pursue my dreams of
becoming a teacher. I had submitted applications for five different school
districts around the area. Then something changed. Graduation got closer. Still
didn’t have a job. Then I graduated. Still no job. I didn’t realize how
emotional it would be to apply for and wait to hear back from school districts.
It’s been a process full of hope, disappointment, and questions. It’s hard not
to compare yourself, question your abilities, and wonder why. Teaching has been
my dream since the young age of five. It’s so close to becoming a reality. Although
I haven’t heard back from all the districts yet, it’s hard not to feel scared. I’m
trusting that the Lord will continue to guide me, open up doors, and close
doors as well. I know He has a plan greater than mine-and that is hard to admit
at times.
I’ve been an emotional roller coaster
as I recently graduated college and waited for interviews. It was great to
finally know that all my hard work paid off-every paper, lesson plan, and
minute spent in the library. But with the end also comes a new beginning. I’ve
been looking forward to being done, but I also realize I’m losing a big part of
community. College is so consuming in every area of your life that it becomes
you.
Honestly, the transition has
been harder than I expected. I thought I was ready for this and I’m not. I am
faced with a new stage of life and didn’t realize how hard it would be to make
these huge decisions. I’ve had days where I have felt very down and sad while
I’ve also had days where I have been very happy and content. It’s a constant
battle every day. I’ve been surrounding myself with Scripture to remind myself
of God’s provision for my life. My screensaver for my phone is Romans 8:28 “And
we know that all things work together for good to those who love God to those
who are called according to His purpose”. I’m clinging on to God during this time. I’m
taking every moment to pray, read the Bible, and focus on the Lord.
I’m still waiting to hear back
from a few school districts, but a part of me is questioning if the Lord is
leading me to somewhere outside of West Fargo/Fargo-Moorhead or even a new
career. I’m scared to move somewhere new by myself. I’ve been praying for
direction and wisdom in what to do. I have been crying out to the Lord, asking
for prayers, and being vulnerable with others. I didn’t realize how I was feeling
until I went to Missional Community last week. When we broke up into small
groups to pray, the question asked was: “How is life going?” I started
answering and then became a puddle of tears. I did not realize how I was truly
feeling until it came out and I shared it with someone. Through a lot of
prayer, I have continued to broaden my search outside of the Fargo-Moorhead
area. It’s not up for me to decide where I get a job. I’m not in control. I do
not have to feel the pressure of finding a job because GOD IS IN CONTROL. My
flesh constantly needs to be reminded of this because I try to depend on
myself.
So how am I feeling at this
point? I’m feeling a little better-still processing my feelings. I know I do
not have to worry. My identity does not come from my career. Heck, maybe I
won’t even become a teacher. Whatever may happen, I know that it is for my
good. God is faithful and will continue to guide my every step. He is the God
that goes before me and behind me. He has a plan much better than this super
organized/planner girl. Right now, this is an area of complete surrender. And I
know it will be okay.
