Throughout the past couple of weeks, I have had a lot of "what-ifs".
So what exactly is a "what-if"?
A "what-if" is something that we worry about. What if if I can't come up with the money? What if I can't make rent? What if my car doesn't make it? Etc, etc, etc..
It can be something we are anticipating, worrying about, or just thinking about. But one thing for sure-it can test our faith in the Lord.
Because I am a HUGE planner, I struggle with not knowing what's going on at times. This is something I have worked on over the past year, and I am STILL working on it. It's definitely a work in progress but at times I still fail. Lucky for me though, God NEVER fails.
As I checked my school email tonight (as I do every night), I received an email stating my financial aid award letter was ready to be accessed. So I logged on to e-services, opened my letter, and looked at the screen.
Not exactly what I was hoping for.
Turns out I have to cover a lot more than I expected. Although I am working a lot, I was planning on putting that money away for something else, but I know the Lord will provide. He has NEVER failed me, not once, and I know He never will. So I began my drive back home and was listening to a CD of worship songs. The song "Your Love Never Fails" came on and I thought it was perfect. The lyrics described my feelings. I love those "God moments".
Another "what-if" I have been facing is about my car. For those of you who have had the privilege of riding in my car (Ha, who am I kidding!?), it pretty much sounds like it is going to die or explode-you choose which one comes first. The tires have to be filled up every three days because they are so bad, my gas mileage is horrible, no A/C, and a bunch of other little things are wrong. Not knowing when my car is going to die on me worries me a lot. I don't know if it's going to make it throughout the school year. And if it doesn't, what's my Plan B? I am a commuter. I live 15 minutes away from my school. Not having that control over something I heavily depend on does not help my situation at all.
But I am still thankful for my car.
As I was sitting on my balcony tonight, I opened my Bible to 1 Corinthians. I have been reading through this book for about 2 weeks now and have been amazed at what the Lord has taught me. As I was reading through Chapter 4, one of the last verses really hit home.
For the kingdom of God does not consist in talk but in power.
1 Corinthians 4:20
Wow. Talk about a huge conviction. When I read this verse, it reminded me of God's power and how it is not just promised, but shown in so many ways throughout our lives. The Bible is full of so many promises and they are not just talk. God isn't going to promise us one thing and then bail on us.
He is the God of the universe. Our Creator. Father. And He knows us better than we know ourselves.
So with all these "what-ifs" in my life I must remember who I put my trust in. A God who is faithful, unfailing, and all knowing-that's better than anything in this life.
As I tried laying down tonight, my head was buzzing with thoughts. Lately I have been in the school mode-it makes me excited to see all the school supplies out and getting everything ready for the semester. But preparing for school has also made me think a lot about this past year and where I am.
Last summer all I could think about was going to Northwestern. I could not really describe my excitement. Anyone who knows me knew how much I truly wanted to go to NWC and it was finally going to happen. Because I worked at camp, I was able to talk to a bunch of people about college-I talked about fears, dreams, expectations, and asked for a lot of advice.
The feeling of knowing something great was going to happen was instilled in me all summer. I knew God was going to change me, shape me, stretch me, bend me, etc, but it was going to bring me closer to Him.
Since I am no longer a freshmen, I kind of miss that excitement. You honestly don't know what college is like until you experience it, and I feel like the summer prior to college is full of expectations and excitement. Once you go to college, you realize what it's like. Some things are just how you imagined, others are not. But it's college.
Throughout the semester I have struggled. I've missed NWC so much but I have felt content at the same time. It's been the toughest thing to do, yet I have seen and experienced God's blessings within my life. This is where God wants me and He has made it clear, but it is still hard to accept. I would give anything just to go back to NWC in August. See all my friends. Eat in the Billy. Move back into the dorms. But I know I can't.
Why?
Because God led me to MSUM.
I still don't know why, but I am trusting in His timing and promise from Romans 8:28.
And we know that for those who love God
all things work together for good,
for those who are called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28
With the school year just around the corner, I want that repeat of last year. I want to feel that excitement and return to NWC. I miss everything about it, and I still want to go back. But I can't. It's a hard place to be because I want to be content in God's plans, but the selfish part of me wants what I desire-not God's desires. It's difficult to follow the Lord and what He has planned and it's mostly because I am not the one in charge. By the end of Spring Semester, I was loving MSUM and everything about where I was but now I feel like I did before. I guess I didn't realize how hard it would be to start school again without going back to NWC.
Life is going to be full of these moments-moments where we feel like everything is falling apart. But in reality, it is God working. Our hearts desires will differ from God's, but in the end, His way will prevail and it's for OUR good. I want that mind that is set on the ways of the Lord but often find myself desiring different things. It's just one of those things that we, as followers of Christ, try to cling to. Instead we must cling to Christ because He is our only hope, foundation, and purpose in this life.
Lord, It's so hard to desire your ways, especially when my heart is set on something else. I admit I do not always realize Your beauty in every situation, which makes it less appealing to my eyes. Help me to remember the promise and how You will always have a plan for me. Give me a desire for You.
It's easy to praise the Lord and bless His name when things are going well, but when things go wrong-well that's another story. Lately God has been teaching me a lot about His blessings and how to be thankful. Over the past couple of months I've struggled with this at times, but the Lord has used it to teach me so much.
There is a song called 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord) by Matt Redman that has been my heart's cry over the past few months. The song was taken directly from Psalm 103, especially verses 1-5. I love worshiping the Lord through this song and how He has used it in my life.
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all who are oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
his acts to the people of Israel.
The LORD is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass;
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
and its place knows it no more.
But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
and his righteousness to children's children,
to those who keep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments.
The LORD has established his throne in the heavens,
and his kingdom rules over all.
Bless the LORD, O you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his word,
obeying the voice of his word!
Bless the LORD, all his hosts,
his ministers, who do his will!
Bless the LORD, all his works,
in all places of his dominion.
Bless the LORD, O my soul!
(Psalm 103 ESV)
I love this Scripture. The goodness of God just shines through every verse, telling about what He has done. In verse 10 it says "He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our inequities". We don't deserve even an ounce of grace yet the Lord gives us more than we can even imagine. That fact blows my mind. We are not treated like sinners, rather like Children of God.
Bless the Lord, O my soul!
This should be my response to everything that happens to me. Doesn't matter if it's good or bad, the Lord deserves praise. Even when the evening comes, we must praise His name. But that's easier said than done. I struggle so much with this. Sure when things are going well I am all "God is great!" but when things aren't going as planned, that's not the first thing I want to say or even think. With everything that has happened to me over this year, I have learned and am still learning how to bless the Lord in each and every situation.
"But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, and His righteousness to children's children, to those who keep His covenant and remember to do His commandments" (Verses 17-18)
God's love does not just end. It has NO end. And we have received this undeserving love through the blood of Jesus. That gives us way more than 10,000 reasons to bless the Lord! Just think of all the ways God has blessed you. You can't count them. But you can praise Him for everything He has given you.
Here are the lyrics for 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord). I pray that this song can be your heart's cry to the Lord.
[Chorus] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name
The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning It's time to sing Your song again Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me Let me be singing when the evening comes
[Chorus] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name
You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger Your name is great, and Your heart is kind For all Your goodness I will keep on singing Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find
[Chorus] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name
And on that day when my strength is failing The end draws near and my time has come Still my soul will sing Your praise unending Ten thousand years and then forevermore
[Chorus x2] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name Lord, I'll worship Your holy name
Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name I'll worship Your holy name
We have the opportunity to bless the Lord and praise HIS name! We have freedom to worship our King. Take every moment as an act of worship, remember all that He has blessed you with, is blessing you with, and ways He will bless you as His plan for you unfolds.
